New Years Eve (cont.) - Zen Retreat part 7

After the "Carol of the Bells" died away we were allowed to stretch and then once again resumed our sitting. There was a large bowl shaped bell that was brought to the center of the Zendo and as we were sitting in silence someone rang the bell. It was a profound and resonant note, rich with overtones and a slow beat frequency (sorry, always the engineer) towards the finish, belying the great mass of metal and the mindful craftsmanship with which it was made. It took about 8 seconds for the sound to die away, only to be rung again. After about 20 strikes of the bell, the ringer gradually speed up to a rhythm of one strike every 6-7 seconds which he maintained for the remaining rings. Each strike of this bell seemed to reverberate through every cell of my body. It was a time of connection and thoughtlessness for me that seemed to go on and on. The bell was rung 108 times before it was done. Apparently this is a significant number, although I couldn't begin to explain why. It is really impossible to articulate the experience to anyone who wasn't present. It was as though I was one with the sound, and it flowed through me, rather than me merely observing it. That, of course, was the point, I'm sure. The Buddhists believe that everything is connected, and when we become completely silent, only then do we begin to realize this fact. I have no idea if that is true, but perhaps I caught a glimpse in that direction.

After the bell was rung 108 times, we all got an opportunity, presumably for the first time in 6 days, to speak. Every one of us was given 60 seconds to share something significant about their experience of this Seshin (retreat). This is called "open Sozan." Common themes shared were gratitude, struggle, back pain, realization, awe and simplicity. There was a woman who had been sitting across from me all week who I came to learn was named Peggy. She was a short, white-haired pink-faced Irish lady who had been wearing a bright white zippered jacket the entire week. The color of the jacket isn't really significant except that all of the rest of us were wearing dark colors, mostly black, and so the white coat really stuck out. When it came her turn to share, she said that after sitting the entire week her experience was life changing. She said that she wouldn't be the same person as the one who drove up. "I have to grieve the person I was and greet the person I will become." I remember hoping that the person she would become involved dark-colored clothing.

We then all got a chance to ring the great bell with our New Year's vow. We formed a line to go up to the bell, chanting a New Years Dharani in Sanskit: Namu to nen jo hon myo ganshin! Namu to nen jo hon myo ganshin! over and over as the bass drum thrummed out a complex rhythm while we slowly filed up to the great bell and individually rang it. As this was going on, a commotion occurred. One of the monitors entered the zendo and and ran over to someone and grabbed them by the wrist and dragged them quickly out of the zendo. No one runs in a Zendo, let alone physically removes someone! I looked at Roshi, the abbot, who was at the front of the room, yet she gave no clue as to what was happening, and we all continued our chanting and ringing. When the last person rang the bell, and everyone returned to their cushions Roshi announced that Peggy was having chest pains and that an ambulance had been called. Since the hallway outside the Zendo needed to be kept clear for the medics we should all move directly into the adjoining room where a New Years Eve party had been planned. In spite of the emergency that was going a few yards away from us, everyone was mingling, eating and talking as this was the first time in a week or so that we could chat with each other. After 45 minutes a nice buzz of energy had built up in the room when Roshi came in and asked us to gather 'round. "Expect the worst," she said. She told us that Peggy had died at the hospital, and asked us to file back into the Zendo where would would immediately hold a funeral service for her. "I have to grieve the person I was and greet the person I will become." had been Peggy's last words in open Sozan an hour before her funeral.