Fitting in

It’s 4:43am on Saturday. I just got home from work. It was a good night at work for the most part. The people were nice, and appreciative, and they participated and they listened. There was an older black woman with gray hair that sat right in front and requested the most wonderful standards, including The Shadow of Your Smile and Misty, and she listened with such intensity that I though she was a musician. I asked her and she told me her father was a piano man and she felt as though I was channeling him. She got teary when I sang Someone to Watch Over Me and Wonderful World. They were his songs. It was a moment.

I must confess I’m feeling less than stellar. It’s very difficult to articulate, but I feel as though I don’t belong with the people that I’m working with down here. They are all NYC piano bar people that have a certain “way” that they do things. There is one singer in particular who, although ridiculously talented, is also very difficult for me to work with. I asked her for her book, so that I could practice with it, and she told me she was “very particular” as to whom she gave it out to. So my rehearsal with her music was much more limited than I would have wanted and as a result, I have not been the best accompanist for her. She, in turn, has been quick to criticize and rather unforgiving. In a way, it’s been a growing experience for me, because it forces me into a very high level of concentration when I accompany her, and although I am not perfect, I am conscious of much more than if she wasn’t so critical. But it goes beyond that. Not too many people have been warm to me here. They are all cordial, and some even nice, but not warm or inviting. There is one singer who arrived a few days ago, and we are sharing the band house. He is a nice guy and we’ve begun to bond. But he had an issue with the other pianist that is down here. This other guy fucked up two songs of his in a row and left him high and dry on stage, feeling and looking like an idiot. So we talked about that, and we’ve rehearsed his entire book today. Tonight, I knew it was so very important to him that his sets with me go great. And, musically they did, and in a large part due to my concentration and desire to be perfect for him. But through my high level of concentration on his music I made a fatal error of referring to him not just once but two times by a wrong name. And he was upset and kind of came at me on stage. I understand why he did, but even so, it didn’t feel good. (Footnote: he arrived back at the house while I was writing this entry and honestly and rigorously complimented me on how well I had played for him tonight. After which, I, in turn, showed him this past paragraph that I had just written. His comment was that it was all true, and that I shouldn’t change a word, and then he gave me a friendly kiss and went to his room.)

Last week there was a singer I referred to in a previous entry that I developed the greatest respect for. I played for her all week, and she was crazy talented. All week we were part of a crew of bartenders, wait staff/singers and pianists and we all sort of bonded, but then the last night she was here I felt as though she was completely brushing me off, not engaging me in conversations, not laughing at my jokes (while laughing at every one else’s) etc. etc. It’s damn difficult to describe, and it was very subtle, and yet, it was real and very inexplicable (at least to me).

I have not gotten one iota of feedback from the people who hired me. Oh, they are friendly and gracious, but have not uttered any compliments or criticisms. Not one. I’m not looking for my ego to be stroked, but if I’m doing a job for you, I would like to know that you are happy with it, or if you are not, tell me how I can make it better.

The thing is, I don’t really know why I don’t fit in. I just know I don’t. Some of these people have alcohol or drug addictions, but some don’t. Some are better musicians than me, but yet in certain areas, I’m a better musician than they are. I’ve been told that one of the singers doesn’t like it when someone has a better night then they do, or gets a better audience response. It’s a complex hodgepodge of personalities down here. I’m not sure what to make of it.